Boris: See, what you’re not understanding is, that Wokeism and all things overly sensitive elicits a great hunger, from the people, for enlightened individuals like me, to exercise closer orchestration over their personal lives.

Bar: I understand that quite well Boris, that is in fact, exactly what I find so odious about your exploitation of, what is for the most part, a good-hearted desire to protect vulnerability that has since become palpably ludicrous - that you claim it to be for our benefit.

Boris: But it is! I’m not exploiting the term Woke, or the woke movement: I am using it how it was always going to be used. It creates a kinder, fairer, more equal world, a better world

Barman: Boris Becker was criticised by the all-pervasive wokery for referring to a tennis player’s girlfriend as “pretty”. I fail to see how a world where such gentle compliments are taken as offensive can be described “better”

Boris: Just because you can’t see it, dear fellow, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Terms like pretty denigrate the fairer sex..

Barman: I’m pretty sure “fairer sex” denigrates them to, casting them as a softer, daintier and therefore weaker sex

Boris: Really? I was just being nice (Under his breath) this really is getting ridiculous..

Barman: If calling a girl pretty falls foul of the wokeocracy, then surely desecrating your marriage vows and betraying women that trusted you, must do too?

Boris: Well, we have to draw the line somewhere. Besides, marriage is itself, you know, traditional marriage, is sexist.

(Cuts to Barman)

Boris: Free love, as it were, doesn’t contribute to the systemic inequalities that have blighted our society for millennia, so it’s not for others to get involved in: but using words that perpetuate dangerously unwoke assumptions, are

Barman: Thank god we’ve got you to explain it to us, Boris.

(Harry enters - Two armed point)

Boris: Harry Meghan Markel Windsor, thank you for meeting me. Let’s get you a drink?

Barman: Let me take a wild stab Harry: Amaretto?

Harry: Oh actually no, I had a chat with Pa, he's convinced me to lay off it for a while.

(Cut’s to Barman)

Harry: I’ll have some warm Ribena in a latte mug please?

(Barman expression)

Boris: Hardcore. But’s what’s all this about Prince Charles talking you out of Ameretto. You love the stuff! Can’t get enough of what you love, that’s what I say. Another Bombay Sapphire and Bitter Lemon please barkeep

Harry: Yeah, he’s been giving me a lot of advice recently. He says I should lay off the airy fairy stuff, too. He’s says it’s damaging my credibility and my family relationships.

Boris: Airy fairy?

Harry: All the perpetual talk of feelings, equality and the arms-crossed inner-hugs! (Harry shows) That sort of thing

Boris: Well, that sounds a little defeatist.

Harry: It does?

Boris: YEs, you were doing some sterling work, you and that lovely wife of yours: you were fixing mental health around the world! I’d just hate to see you give up on all the excellent progress you’ve made

Harry: Right. Well I did say this to Pa, and he said…

Boris: What does Megahn say about all this? I’m sure that she wants you to continue to your sterling work! There might be some resistance to full blown wokeosity right now, but it’s sneaking in very effectively. This is hardly the moment to take your foot of the gas!

Harry: She wants to make sure we don’t lose our Royal titles and privileges so she’s open to what Pa says, as long as we can get guarantees.

Boris: I thought she was committed to all the Woke stuff.

Harry: Oh she is, she is - unless a better offer comes along. She’s amazing; she can drop things, and people, like that (Harry Clicks fingers)

Boris: It’s a rare skill, only a few of us have it, but we do tend to make it to positions of power. The amount of cast iron guarantees, pledges, principles and wives I’ve dropped - I’ve lost count!

Harry: So you think I should ignore Pa, then?

Boris: Well, far be it for me to interject myself and spoil the potential reconnection with your father, but yes! My word, we need more people like you, spouting Wokerisms wherever you go - there’s more at stake than a father son relationship. Harry: Oh, yeah, good point! I never really saw how important and necessary we are!

Boris: Stick with me, I won’t let you down.

Harry: What if Meghan doesn’t agree?

Boris: Oh she’ll never be content with a paltry, nonsense royal position. She’ll double down even harder on attacking people for privileges they didn’t even know they had.

Harry: Wow, you seem to really know my Meghan.

Boris: We’re peas in a pod.

Harry: Well, must be off - I appreciate the advice. Don’t forget to centre. (harry starts centring)

Boris Yes yes (Boris half-heartedly centres)

(Harry leaves)

Boris: I’m like a second father to that boy. Beautiful, isn’t it?

Barman: I can think of other words.

Boris: Yes, well, you’re too closed minded; you can’t see the opportunities. Wokeism must spread, like a delicious mould, and he is an essential ambassador for it!

Barman: Once you’ve used him for your personal gain you will dispose of him like a dried, empty husk that’s had all of the gooey goodness sucked out; he’ll be left a shrivelled mess, whilst you swan around creating a world dominated by inside out, top down regulation that, as a result, no one wants to live in.

Boris: Oh, stop taking everything so seriously.